Sometimes you can count biodiversity by the roadkill. Within the first hour our bus out of Salvador swerves to avoid hitting the carcass of a small rhea, followed soon by what I guess are the remains of a margay. Discounting a couple of armadillos and a creepy vampire bat that lies dead by the snack bar at Itaberaba where we break up the journey, what raises the biggest roar is the maned wolf lying by the side of the road after Seabrá. At least the black urubu vultures circling above had prepared us for the sight.
It’s six long hours from Salvador to Chapada Diamantina, the Diamond Highlands of Brazil, and roadkill breaks the monotony of the featureless Brazilian sertão (hinterland). Occasionally, we encounter the odd farmhouse with concrete walls and a corrugated roof. Dogs bark while chickens cackle loudly and avoid our bus just in time. They must have clocked what happened to their less-nimble brethren.
I’m heading to Lençóis, the gateway to the Chapada Diamantina National Park, whose remoteness and lack of infrastructure are its biggest assets. Backpackers are slowly discovering this forgotten corner of the world and the adventure operators who have sprung up can’t find enough tour leaders to cope.
When I arrive, I immediately seek out Esmeraldo, a veteran with shoulder-long white hair and one of the most experienced Chapada guides. He shares with me a few beers on my first night out in Lençóis.
“Three days?” he says and shakes his head when he hears how long I plan to stay. “It takes three days to hike to the valley of Capão! You can go trekking, canyoning, climbing, biking, caving, swimming – but you have to stay for a week or so.”
He teams me up with Nils, a sensible, sociable Swede who is snacking on cassava chips a few tables back. He’s here for three days, too.
The next day Nils and I are up early for a jeep ride with Esmeraldo to pick up the trail to Lapa Doce, the third largest cave in Brazil. Not only does the landscape change after every turn, but so, it seems, does the ecosystem. We leave the shadow of the last vestiges of the thick Atlantic rainforest and enter the distinctive woodland savanna of the Cerrado. Here canopy cover is patchy and the sun hits us like a rock.
Esmeraldo points at trees we haven’t heard of before: this one here with the large trunk is a mulungu, whose bark has been used for centuries as a sedative. That one is an aroeira – its resin smells of soap and the essential oil is used in cosmetics. As for the one over yonder whose leaves form a tuft at the top – that’s an amburana honey tree, whose seeds are crushed to give tobacco a sweet perfume.
“As for this one,” Esmeraldo says touching a strong, sturdy tree, “this one is a braúna. The best hardwood you’ll find. Used in construction everywhere in Brazil, ’cos it’s termite-resistant.”
When we finally reach the cave entrance, Esmeraldo dons a dust mask. Why? Because, unlike most caves, Lapa Doce is not wet, slippery and cool, but dry, sandy and warm. Its floor is covered with fine silica particles that float when disturbed.
“You’re both OK,” says Esmeraldo. “It’s us guides who come here frequently who need protection. The dust can cause lung problems.”
But he still gives us a form to sign our rights away.
Despite being dry, the cave has stalactites, formed during the wet season that lasts for six months. They are thin and slightly crooked because of a faint yet permanent breeze we can only just perceive on our skin. The dimensions are staggering: you could fit a cruise boat in the first chamber and still have space to turn it around. The soft floor muffles our steps and magnifies the pervading stillness. Deep in the cave’s innards, rusty irrigation water from the farmland above has caused its most memorable sight: a curtain of stalactites white on one side and dark red on the other, like a bleeding wound.
East of Lapa Doce, a new ecosystem merges with the Cerrado: the Caatinga, which brings to mind the chaparral of the American West. The vegetation is arid lowland scrub, while the soil is poor and acidic, giving rise to oases whose waters are as transparent as cellophane. Seven or so kilometres later, we reach Pratinha (Little Silver). It’s not really a lake but the mouth of a submerged river flowing out of a cavern decorated by xique-xique cacti, shaded by lianas and framed by water lilies. The river continues inside the cavern where you can snorkel underground, following a guide boat through a narrow channel. It costs extra, but it would, wouldn’t it?
Nils opts for snorkelling, while I lie in the sun outdoors and refresh myself in the lake. When he emerges, his skin full of goosebumps the size of my nipples, I know I made the correct decision.
Deep in the cave’s innards, rusty irrigation water from the farmland above has caused its most memorable sight: a curtain of stalactites white on one side and dark red on the other, like a bleeding wound.
“The water is icy cold and dark – you can’t see a thing,” he says with a disappointed expression. “But I’ve learned something interesting.” He dives in the lake and emerges with a handful of sediment. “Look closer,” he tells me.
I rub my fingers in the sand. It’s white and brittle.
“It’s dead mollusc shells,” he explains. “They live so far inside that no one has ever found a live one yet. They’re washed out of the depths of the cave when they die.”
The next day’s hike is at the northern tip of the park. Around us are large craggy domes. We are aiming for the peak of Pai Inácio, the picture-postcard of the Chapada.
It’s a short and strenuous near-vertical climb to the top, but the eagle’s-eye view from the summit is worth it. The Sincorá range that forms the backbone of the park ends in solitary wind-eroded outcrops, each one an island with its own ecosystem. Indeed, nature has built a veritable Japanese rock garden at our feet. Each boulder is mottled with multi-coloured lichen, while bromeliads have taken shelter in every crack and depression. Plants here have waxy leaves to reduce evaporation and hardy roots that make the best out of the thinnest topsoil imaginable.
The careful hike down takes longer than the trek up. Sweaty and thirsty, we order juice at a mobile canteen. The trees of the Cerrado are thin and frequently stunted, their leaves slight and plentiful, and their fruit undersized and tart. There are the old supermarket faithfuls: mango, banana, coconut and papaya. But umbú? The size of a kiwi and with the skin of a smooth lime, this fruit has greenish-yellow juice that tastes like a sweeter version of grapefruit. I imagine it mixed with gin and order a second one.
We pick up the trail by Rio Mucugezinho, a river that crosses the park, with water the colour of tea. There is no trail other than the riverbank, necessitating climbing over large boulders, jumping across rocky slabs and negotiating tricky bogs under a gallery forest. We are followed by the screeches of a marmoset family we hear more than see. Every upwards glance is a sign for them to scamper quickly to the canopy. When we reach a bathing spot with a sizeable crowd of swimmers they disappear. But no, it’s not because they’re afraid of people. As Esmeraldo explains, this lucrative location is the home of a rival marmoset clan. These guys are much less circumspect, hanging from the branches of the trees trying to spot discarded biscuits.
Another 20 minutes and we reach Poço do Diabo (Devil’s Pool) where the Rio Mucugezinho forms a small cascade – if 20 metres is small for you. Nils and I jump in feet first, swim to the falls and let the current thump our shoulders for an environmentally friendly hydromassage. The water is cold and works wonders on our aching muscles. We are tired with satisfaction fatigue, for our bodies are responding to exertion with a heavy dose of adrenaline.
That night, exhausted, I drink Nils under the table. Months later, I find out that I made him miss his early bus to Salvador.
I spend my last day in Lençóis walking around the town, taking in its imposing, diamond-baron palaces, many of them now neglected and decomposing under the tropical sun. I end up making the short trek to the Serrano waterholes – shallow rock pools where the constant swirling movement of the Lençóis River turns them into natural jacuzzis. I am the only gringo there, but have visions of a future spa right by that copse of trees on my left. It’s going to call itself an ecolodge because it will be built from local, termite-resistant braúna tree. But make sure you beat the spa there.
All I can see are shades of blue – navy, sapphire, teal, aquamarine, cyan – swirling in a free-form masterpiece above and below the horizon. Then I jump. As the bubbles disperse, a new world reveals itself.
Orange and black clown fish dart in and out of enormous turquoise anemones. Crimson, yellow and green fish, whose patterns are reminiscent of those on Versace fabric, weave between elaborate coral pinnacles. A pair of Moorish idols, with their elongated dorsal fins, slowly surveys the reef wall, like a couple of nosy neighbours. A ghost ray ripples past.
I descend – five, 10, 15 metres – into the cobalt depths. A solid school of silver giant trevally zips past me like a bullet train. All types of coral, including huge lime plates and wafting golden elephant ears, catch my eye. A white-tipped reef shark zigzags below. A large but delicate mauve gorgonian fan – the first I’ve seen here – waves gently in the current.
This is the Rowley Shoals and, unless you are a dive aficionado, you’ll probably never have heard of it. Three teardrop-shaped coral atolls – Clerke, Imperieuse and Mermaid – soar more than 400 metres from the ocean floor on the outer tip of the Australian continental shelf, 260 kilometres north-west of Broome. The lip of each reef encloses a massive 80-square-kilometre lagoon where the water is a balmy 26ºC and the underwater visibility is a dazzling 25 to 50 metres. Such pristine conditions create a huge variety of marine life – about 230 types of coral and 700 species of fish in all. The reefs are also among just a few in the world washed by five-metre tides, which rise and fall in six hours. All that flowing seawater brings with it massive amounts of nutrients for corals to feed on, so they grow larger than elsewhere. The fish are similarly bigger and bolder.
It is November and the water is like glass. I am one of just 14 divers and snorkellers, plus the crew, and we have the place to ourselves. It may be a bit of a rock’n’roll 15-hour overnight boat trip to the Rowley Shoals from Broome, but for those who savour pristine underwater adventures and a delicious sense of space, it is well worth the journey.
Only a handful of operators visit each year and only during the Doldrums, the calm before the wet season, when there are no prevailing trade winds and the water is swimming-pool calm. There is never more than one boat here at a time.
I have chosen a five-day adventure on MV Great Escape, a 26-metre luxury motor catamaran with three tenders (small boats) on board, giving guests loads of adventure choices. Owned by Broome locals Trippy and Jezza Tucker, it is used for a number of cruises along the Kimberley coast, but the Rowley Shoals adventure is the crew favourite.
“You can swim, snorkel, dive, fish, beachcomb and you are the only people in the middle of nowhere,” says crew member Taylor Merrutia. “It’s like being on holiday – even for us.”
The catamaran has seven staterooms with en suites, plus a spacious lounge and dining room stocked with reference books to help you identify all the colourful species you discover below. Wandjina art decorates the walls. There’s a spa on the front deck, a rooftop heli pad for sunset viewing and stargazing, and an airy back area where most meals are enjoyed. Luckily there are plenty of them, since all the activity grows appetites to gargantuan proportions. Young Welsh chef Will Bacon serves up pancakes, poached eggs and crispy bacon for breakfast, chicken caesar salad and seafood marinara pasta for lunch, sunset appetisers like curried won tons, and dinners of Thai duck salad and pistachio-crusted lamb, finished off with coffee crème caramel and pavlovas for dessert. All the guests can bring their own drinks on board at no extra charge.
As the most serious dive boat to access the Rowley Shoals, Great Escape offers four dives a day, sometimes starting as early as 6.30am. For those who are game, there’s often also the option of heading back into the water after dark. Snorkellers have a dedicated tender and snorkel master to look after their needs. But the two big highlights here are the drift snorkels and wall dives.
On the outgoing tide, all 14 of us jump out of the tenders, are captured by the current and swept along the coral channels viewing the thriving life below. We zip past a kaleidoscope of parrot fish at various stages of their sex change from female to male (the males are the prettiest in various iridescent shades of turquoise and mauve). We also see them doing their day job, rasping algae from coral with their ‘beaks’. Dozens of giant clams litter the sandy floor, beckoning to us with their gaudy lips. The palest of pink fish, with big bedroom eyes, swim right up to our masks and tag along for the ride. The only hardcore folk are the green turtles, all nobbly and gnarly, and always just out of reach in the current ahead. At the end of each drift snorkel, we hop in the tenders as eager as kids at a theme park to get on the next ride.
With panoramic coral gardens harboured within each lagoon, the snorkellers continue on other surface adventures, while the divers get excited about some of the best wall dives on the planet.
At Clerke Wall I marvel at staghorn coral and weave among huge hump-headed Maori wrasse. On the Jimmy Goes to China site (so named because if you don’t get off the drift you may just end up in the Orient) there’s an entire colony of multicoloured gorgonian fans and a speckled cuttlefish changing its spots to blend in with new surroundings. The highlights of the Mermaid Wall dive are neon-bright nudibranchs and garden eels tucked among a jungle of corals, both soft and hard. At the Cod Hole I meet Agro, the grey-spotted potato cod, who takes such a liking to my pink mask he follows me around like an oversized underwater puppy.
While the drama is all below the surface at the Rowley Shoals, it is blissfully serene above. We toast our good fortune with sunset drinks on a sliver of blinding white sand that has been tantalising us for days. Bedwell Islet is our very own desert island, and we raise our glasses to this glorious watery wilderness as the sun’s golden orb melts into the sea and the inky sky above is pricked with stars.
“We call it catching up here. Not fishing!” says Trevor, grinning. I’m standing on the bow of the MV Nomad holding a three-metre-long rope with a hook at one end and what looks like a spoon while bobbing on top of the Arafura Sea, off the far north coast of Australia’s Northern Territory. I have no idea what to expect.
“Here they come,” Trevor warns. “Make sure you pull them in quick. The sharks are bloody fast up here.” I look across at my brother, who’s clutching his rope somewhat competitively, but now looks equally uneasy. In an explosive splash, his line pulls taut as a Spanish mackerel the length of a surfboard breaks the water and takes his lure. There’s no fishing rod or reel here. It is hand over hand as fast as you can – if you aren’t fast enough, as my brother soon finds out, you pull up half a fish, the other half taken by an opportunistic and rather hungry bronze whaler shark.
Within an hour of casting our spoon lures we’ve reeled in four and a half enormous Spanish mackerel, blistered both hands and screamed like little kids as we pulled our catch from the jaws of Jaws himself. We try some reef fishing and my brother snags a fish that is the size of a couch and fights with the resistance of one, too. I hook a coral trout that swims into the mouth of a shark and snaps my line. I’m out of breath from both exertion and laughter. All the while Trevor smiles broadly, almost with pride, as he fillets the mackerel. The sun is high and bright and the sky a deep endless blue. It is almost the perfect fishing trip until Trevor offers us a beer. Perfection.
We are on a “bro-cation” at Banubanu Wilderness Retreat, a dream made true by Trevor Hosie and his wife Helen. Tucked into the dunes of Bremer Island, about three hours by boat from Nhulunbuy, on northeast Arnhem Land’s Gove Peninsula, Banubanu looks as though Robinson Crusoe himself built it out of the driftwood, flotsam and jetsam washed up on the surrounding beaches. There’s a dugout canoe in the Driftwood Cafe – the central meeting and dining point – that’s made its way from Papua New Guinea, and a life ring from the Avona Jakarta hanging on the wall. God knows what happened to the Avona Jakarta, or her crew for that matter. Given the appetite of the bronze whalers we’ve encountered, I doubt many of her men would have made it this far had she gone down. Old fishing nets, giant turtle skulls and coloured buoys complete the picture.
There are wooden walkways through the sand leading to the accommodation: a series of cabins and tents almost buried in the dunes behind the Driftwood Cafe, all with luxury bedding and bathrooms. Trevor has also built the ultimate beach shack here, its sundowner deck looking over the northern beach. It is his crowning glory and where we sit après catching, cold beer in hand, watching a golden Northern Territory sunset over the far rocky point after which Banubanu was named.
Trevor’s dream began decades earlier while he was surveying the area for a previous job. Bremer Island, in particular, stayed with him. Ironically, Trevor was part of the team that classified the island a protected area and, as such, it remained isolated until 2003 when he returned to build Banubanu. Lak Lak, the local Yolngu landowner, remembered Trevor from his surveying days and granted him permission to build. In return, Trevor employs local youths and pays a royalty to the community. The arrangement gives guests a unique opportunity to meet the Yolngu people and gain an understanding of how they live. Unfortunately we don’t get a chance to meet Lak Lak, but we’re told she is a regular visitor.
Trevor and Helen’s respect and affection for her is obvious. There are quite strict rules regarding the environment, and alcohol can only be preordered and brought in with guests.
We spend a morning circumnavigating the island in Trevor’s beaten-up old Toyota. It doesn’t take long, yet around each bend is a breathtaking view of another isolated beach just begging for a set of footprints. Trevor takes us inland to some crab holes, but we pass on trying to catch their inhabitants when he mentions the area also “has a few crocs”. As beautiful as it is in this part of the world, it is important not to forget just how wild it is too.
And that is what makes Banubanu so special. There’s no TV or phone coverage (unless you climb the highest dune and get lucky), so you find yourself immersed in the nature surrounding you. Trevor talks us through the bird life and I imagine twitchers fumbling with their binoculars in excitement. We’re lucky enough to spot some sea eagles darting in the distance. Turtle watching here is world class with new nests appearing weekly during the nesting season, and while they are off-limits to guests, the locals can track down larger turtles for an up-close and environmentally friendly experience.
The easy option for Trevor and Helen would have been to set up a simple campsite and let guests look after themselves, but the beauty of Banubanu is that they haven’t. Helen tells us they have tried to make everything they can control five star. The food she prepares is exquisite. On our first evening we start with sashimi from a fish Trevor filleted on the boat that afternoon. Dessert is a Heston Blumenthal-inspired pop rock pudding. The Driftwood Cafe, lit by candles and catching the sea breeze, is the ideal location. The food, the bedding and the service are on par with a top-priced resort. The beach, the sunset and especially the fishing are even better.
But for me, it is the escape that is the allure of Banubanu. After only a couple of days I feel like a genuine castaway, as though I’ve been washed up on the beach clutching the Avona Jakarta life ring. Three days feels like three weeks. The rest of the world is so far away it is forgotten. Large beach resorts try hard to replicate the “shipwreck experience” travellers seek. Banubanu doesn’t have to try. It is the real deal, garnished with luxury. We have a perfect half-moon beach to ourselves and time is told by the sun’s position in the sky. On our our final evening it puts on another spectacular closing number. My brother and I toast the moon and gaze up as the stars come out. From this vantage point Banubanu is far more than five stars.
Tell people you’re heading to the Northern Territory to kayak down a river and they’re only going to say one thing. Come on, no one in their right mind kayaks down a river in the Northern Territory – particularly if the river’s full of crocodiles. So I say it again and again and again: “They’re not stupid. No one’s going to let me paddle down a river with crocodiles in it.”
Turns out I was wrong. They are going to make me paddle down a river with crocodiles in it. Saltwater crocodiles. The kind that grow bigger than, well, a kayak. I discover this about 300 metres above the river on my incoming helicopter ride. That’s the Katherine River below me. When it’s done funnelling its way through nine famous gorges, which we’ve just flown over, it winds its way slowly downstream across the red dust and clay of the Australian outback, south-west of the township of Katherine.
“How come there are no saltwater crocs where we’re going?” I ask the helicopter pilot, waiting for a logical explanation. I’m sitting right beside him in his Robinson 44, so while his voice comes to me as a noise through my headset, his eyes stare right at me. “What do ya mean?” he asks.
“I just would’ve figured that a river so far north in the Northern Territory would have saltwater crocs in it.” I’m still looking at him. “There are saltwater crocs where you’re going, mate,” he says slowly, like he’s not sure whether I’m messing with him or just thick. “About a week ago, they pulled a four-metre saltie from a croc trap right where you’ll end up.” He continues on his merry way. “See there,” he’s pointing at a riverbed. “My neighbour’s dog was taken there by a saltie two weeks back. She reckons there wasn’t even a yelp. One minute it was there, next it was gone.”
But this far from the coast, the Katherine’s full of fresh water: “Doesn’t matter. They don’t mind the fresh water,” he says. But why on earth would an adventure company take people paddling above saltwater crocodiles? “It’s an adventure company, isn’t it?” he says with a chuckle. “Anyway, they should know how to avoid them.”
At this point in the conversation we spot a man in a kayak below us, waiting beside a tear-shaped sandbank in the river. The pilot banks hard left so that I temporarily lose my stomach as we come in low and fast and turn full-circle back at him.
My feet sink ankle-deep into coarse orange sand as I meet the bloke I pray knows where every last crocodile is on this stretch of the Katherine. The river’s a pretty sort of soft blue. It’s still enough, too, to create a mirror on the surface reflecting the lush trees that line both banks and look so out of place among the dusty plains we’ve just flown across. On a hot day like this one, it looks like the kind of river you’d leap right into if you didn’t know better.
“I wouldn’t,” guide Matt Leigh says casually. Leigh’s not the type to lecture or waste much breath on talking, but it’ll be these two words that guide me through the coming days – if Leigh says he wouldn’t, I don’t.
“There could be salties here,” he says, glancing around. “You never can tell. You’re better off soaking than swimming round here. Don’t swim where you can’t see the drop-off. You’d be right 99 times out of 100, but I take more than a hundred people here every year.”
Before I even so much as dip a paddle in the Katherine, I fire every croc question I’ve ever thought of, and then some, at Leigh. From that round of interrogation, let’s dispel a few myths about saltwater crocs before we go further – it’s only fair and, believe me, it helps.
They’re not always the killers we regard them as. An average saltie eats once a month, so they’re hardly out trawling for fresh meat like a lion, which eats as often as it can. And at five metres long, our kayaks are at least a metre longer than the crocs around here, so rather than seeing us as easy, squishy prey in plastic take-out trays, we’re simply the dominant species – they’ll hide until we pass by. Allegedly. Where there’s a greater chance of lurking crocs – in the deeper, darker sections of the Katherine – we’ll paddle in group formation.
But the crocs that inhabit this part of the river aren’t generally aggressive anyway – that’s why they’re here. They’re the non-dominant males who elected against fighting for women and food. Instead they tossed their towels into the ring and swam upriver to enjoy the quiet life, far from the testosterone of the coastal estuaries. There’s plenty more Leigh can tell you too, but it’s this image – of a river full of shy, retiring crocs seeking a bit of peace – that gives me the greatest comfort. So much so I’m finally able to concentrate on what’s all around me, rather than just under me.
Paperbarks grow right out over the water offering shade from the fierce afternoon sun. Blue-winged kookaburras – the kind that doesn’t laugh – fly between them as I pass by. Higher on the banks where gums grow, whistling kites and white-bellied sea eagles fly. Above them – high in the thermals – wedge-tailed eagles and black-breasted buzzards, so big they block out the sun when they pass in front of it, patrol the ground for food.
The river flows steadily so I ride the current downstream. Each bend brings with it a completely different scene – around some corners the river looks wide and peaceful; past others it narrows into tight, fast- moving avenues racing through smoothed-out sandstone, where I have to carefully negotiate my passage. When the sun starts to lose its sting, Leigh leads us to a sandbank near a knee-deep section of the river. “This’ll be camp,” he says simply. “Shallow water should keep the crocs away.” I stop to soak in the slow-moving water. By the time I dry off, Leigh has a fire going, and a pewter mug of whiskey with ice cubes is waiting on the camp table. All around ghost gums and river reds are lit up gold by the last rays of afternoon sunlight, while agile wallabies spy us through the trees, wondering about their funny-looking new neighbours.
Leigh cooks roast beef and vegetables in an old black pot on the fire and, when we’re done, I pick out a soft spot – still warm from the sun – on the rolling dunes. From my swag beneath the moonless sky, I watch stars shoot one by one across the infinite black, while listening to the steady hoot-hoot of southern boobooks and tawny frogmouths.
At dawn, Leigh kicks the fire back to life and cooks up a feed of bacon and eggs he frames not so neatly inside charcoaled pieces of toast. Then it’s back to the water. Over the next couple of days, the surroundings change by the second, as overhanging trees and green foliage give way to the kind of dusty setting you’d expect in this part of the country. Then we paddle around a corner and it changes all over again. Underneath me in the clear, warm water black bream, mullet, catfish, barramundi, snap turtles and metre-long whip rays dart about. Sometimes I float over tiny freshwater crocodiles hiding beside sunken logs – in the height of winter it’s not unusual to see 60 in a day. Above me in the trees, I see branches, tree trunks and other debris hanging precariously, swept there by summer floods when the river rises up to 20 metres. Around one corner I almost paddle into a decaying wallaby washed downstream. I hope its stench hasn’t attracted salties.
The more I paddle – or sometimes just drift with the flow, stopping to stretch my legs as Leigh boils billy tea along the river bank – the more I feel like I’m floating through some sort of real-life Hans Heysen landscape of Australiana, travelling back a century or more into a country I figured disappeared with the rise of modernity.
Out here, I can’t post a single shot on Instagram or Facebook, instead relying on my own eyes – rather than a hundred likes – to legitimise the beauty of all I see. There are no humans here either. Often we paddle for hours without speaking a single word. It’s like I can hear the outback slowly breathing in and out around me, keeping time with the wallabies that bounce along the sandbanks and the cooling nor’-wester that huffs and puffs through the paperbarks.
When the tour’s almost done, I spot a clunky, silver-looking contraption on the far bank. It’s only now I remember that a four-metre croc was pulled from here a fortnight ago – from that very croc trap. Rolling down the Katherine with the breeze at my back and the paperbarks forming a cathedral above me to guide me home, I’d forgotten about the man-eating creatures below. But as I squeeze my way slowly and silently through the only lush parts in one of the world’s most rugged landscapes, I’m mesmerised by all I see, smell and hear around me. In this blissful state of being, I feel like throwing myself into the river one last time before I leave her for the big smoke. “I wouldn’t,” Leigh says. I don’t.
Hobart’s ominous ceiling of cloud spits us out on the tarmac and we’re soon absorbed into a landscape as dramatic as it is gloomy. Rolling fields and mountains give way to a sky of endless grey. It’s a landscape of contrasts that serves as the perfect backdrop for the Museum of New and Old Art (MONA), an institution dedicated to life’s extremes – birth, sex and death. And that’s why we’re here: to revel in MONA’s Dark Mofo festival and get in touch with our hedonistic, pagan sides. Or, put simply, to check out some seriously weird art and music while enjoying Tasmania’s culinary spoils.
The program for the festival is unlike any I’ve ever seen. Museum creator and introverted gambling prodigy David Walsh and his minions do a damn fine job of sourcing some of the most left-of-centre exhibitions and acts. It adds great mystery and intrigue to the whole adventure, as there’s little preconception when walking into one of the numerous venues scattered across Hobart. From giant melting ice-blocks and transvestite Beat poets to Australian exploitation film screenings, Dark Mofo’s line-up is irreverent and unpredictable.
First up, and a mandatory highlight of the Mofo experience, is a visit to MONA itself. Clinging to a small point overlooking the Derwent River at Berriedale, about 20 minutes’ drive north of Hobart, the monolithic museum looks more like a Bond villain’s lair than an art gallery. Rumour has it the building will eventually crumble into the river as the land below it erodes. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
You can’t describe MONA in a nutshell. Safe to say, there’s nothing like it on Earth. Or in the earth, for that matter. The museum is built into the ground and you can either take a lift or a steep winding staircase into its bowels – I use that word for good reason. One of the museum’s more notorious exhibitions is a contraption designed to replicate the human digestive process. It’s all very scientific, of course, but a poo machine nonetheless. And, yes, it stinks.
Our schedule allows only a couple of hours in the museum, but you could easily spend longer. It’s incredible, weird, shocking, ridiculous and even has an onsite craft brewery and winery. I can highly recommend both, especially after watching a robot take a crap.
The rest of our Dark Mofo jaunt is split between day and night. The days are spent traipsing around Hobart and surrounds, taking in the festival’s bizarre and disparate offerings. These range from a screening of the classic Ozploitation flick Wake in Fright and a disturbing performance from legendary gothic Greek singer Diamanda Galás, to a musical stage adaptation of Snowtown, the film about the infamous ‘bodies in barrels’ murders. It is hands down the strangest theatrical experience of my life, and I’d wager a barrel of hard cash it’d be one of yours too.
Murderous musicals and wailing Greeks aside, Mofo really gets going after the sun goes down. The biting cold winds pick up and now is the time to ignite your smouldering inner fire with some tasty food and drink. The Winter Feast, a huge wharf on Hobart’s waterfront filled with food stalls by some of the country’s leading chefs, is an ideal start. But get there early as the event unexpectedly drew more than 45,000 hungry punters over the course of the festival in 2014.
Bellies full, we take refuge inside the New Sydney Hotel, a pub to end all pubs. This Hobart institution is a must-visit. The giant blazing fireplace toasts our backs as we peruse the drinks list. But it’s the hand-pumped beer tap that snags our attention. The brew on offer is rotated regularly, offering up a bevy of either unheard of or unpronounceable small-batch beers such as the Aurora Borealis, a 16 per cent beast that dares you to mumble its name after a couple of pints. We knock back a few and proceed to Dark Faux Mo, the festival’s official afterparty.
We roll into the Odeon Theatre, a longstanding Hobart icon and this year’s party venue. Divided between the main theatre, a mezzanine space and a small shed around the back, the festivities offer something for every taste. Headlining the main stage on the final night of the festival is Seattle drone metal band Sunn O))). The entire theatre is drenched in smoke and strobe lights and through the flashing sickly sweet fog comes the most diabolical noise. The smoke begins to clear, revealing a monstrous stack of speakers and the origin of this deafening auditory barrage. I manage about 15 minutes before retreating to the bar.
A few more Moo Brews and I’m upstairs, soaked in sweat and beer, dancing (some would argue having a fit) to Aussie synth-funk outfit Total Giovanni. The band finishes on a high and I slip out into the chill. The pathway between the main theatre and the back shed is crammed. I shoulder my way through the crowd of freaks and geeks and into the brothel-red lit back room. I arm myself with another Moo and take stock. The room is absolutely pumping. In the back corner a bluegrass band works revellers into a frenzy, while in the centre a skinny, bearded dancer a leather S&M get-up is gyrating on a stripper’s pole. At this point any lingering inhibitions evaporate.
I’m not sure what time we finish up, but on the walk home, in between bites of a pie, I try to piece together what this whole thing has been about. I’m still unsure whether the winter solstice/pagan-ritual theme ties each moment and experience together, but there’s something undeniably powerful happening in Tasmania thanks to MONA. Travelling to an island at the end of the Earth in winter and completely immersing yourself in art, performance, gastronomy and partying is truly unique. In a bloated festival landscape such as Australia’s, MONA’s Dark Mofo stands tall among the crowd. And I can tell you, I’ll be back.
It’s 3am on game day and Katie Ryan can forget about getting any more sleep. A player raps on her door with a problem that’s now her problem. He has been up vomiting and can’t keep water down. Minutes later there’s a second knock on the door. Another player has woken, this time with a throbbing pain in his hand after his fingernail was trodden on during the previous day’s match.
“The players got very little sleep that night before having to get up and prepare for another two games, and I decided it was just easier to stay up, make an early coffee and get some paperwork done,” Ryan says. “It was going to be a long, long day – it would be 22 hours before I got a chance to get to sleep again.”
Welcome to life on the road as team physio of the Australian Men’s Rugby Sevens. In some respects, Ryan is living every girl’s dream – travelling the world with a muscular bunch of uber-athletic blokes, always on stand-by should one of them need a rubdown. But Ryan isn’t a girl, she’s a professional sports physiotherapist and mother of three, who’s second family just happens to wear green and gold and takes her to places most nine-to-fivers could barely imagine. This year the circuit includes Las Vegas, Dubai, Wellington, the Gold Coast, Hong Kong, Tokyo, Glasgow, London and Port Elizabeth in South Africa – all with two gear bags, a treatment table and 30 kilograms of sports tape in tow.
“Apart from the travel I’m just really lucky that I get to look after these absolutely professional athletes; they train super hard and, yes, there are pinch me moments when I’m doing a treatment session looking out over Dubai, or having a treatment session watching the whales swim up the coast at the Gold Coast, or treating a player looking over Wellington. They’ve just been amazing times.”
When we meet trackside at Sam Boyd Stadium in Las Vegas, Ryan, 44, has her hands full. The player who was up vomiting is being assessed for IV fluids – he’s come off the field severely dehydrated and has shed three kilograms. There are other wounds and injuries to tend to and once they’ve been dealt with, a quandary: where can two women meet in such a blokey environment? “How about I come to you?” I propose. The suggestion is met with the following text: “Where I am now in the change rooms faces the communal team shower – you would blush.”
Ryan is used to the nudity, blood, sweat and grit that comes with looking after a professional sports team – it’s part of her job description and, as the only woman on the squad, she carries out her role with dignity and respect. It’s a courtesy that is reciprocated among the players and team managers, who don’t mind giving Ryan a gentle ribbing when they see her talking to a journalist – it’s all part of the camaraderie. Humour is important when you live out of each other’s pockets on tour.
Ryan always snags the biggest hotel room during tournaments, but it’s not really her own. As the primary person responsible for player welfare (team doctors don’t come on tour), she’s on call 24/7. In Vegas her day starts early with the players filing into her room to ‘check-in’, a game-day ritual where they are weighed, have their physical stats recorded and any issues addressed. Next it’s off to the pool for ‘activation’ to start preparing for the day’s matches (often there are two games, each consisting of seven-minute halves with a two-minute half-time). Ryan will spend up to an hour strapping and prepping the players. Soon they are warming up against the dramatic backdrop of the arid Nevada mountains, then it’s show time.
“We go out on the field and the strength conditioner and myself have to run water during the match. Because it’s so intense you’ve just got a short time to get on and off. I almost got tackled by a Scottish player today, so it’s fast and furious and then it’s back off to manage any injuries.”
After the game there is more strapping, ice, hydration and perhaps some manual therapy as Ryan and the team assess whether some players can “back up” for another match. Fourteen minutes of competition might sound lightweight but the sport is punishing; these are colossal, super-fit athletes who charge the field with lightning speed and brute force. Peripheral injuries to ankles, knees, joints and backs are common, as are contact- related wounds and soft-tissue damage, such as strained calves and hamstrings. Hydration and nutrition are perpetual challenges, particularly on long-haul flights when you are dealing with bear-like men crammed into chicken-class seats.
“We know anecdotally that long periods of travel on planes affects athletes – it’s a real concern for player welfare,” Ryan says. “This can be the effects of sitting in air-conditioning for anything from three to 22 hours, sitting next to people who are unwell and picking up an illness, losing weight from eating small, irregular meals that are not optimal for athletes, and the effect of jamming six-foot, five-inch, 100-kilogram players in economy seating for long periods – expecting them to be able to have any sort of quality sleep sitting upright.”
Ryan – who graduated as a physiotherapist in 1993, becoming a sports physio in 2000 – spent two decades working with rugby union clubs before joining the Rugby Sevens full-time in 2014 when the program centralised in Sydney. Between running two physio practices with her husband – former Australian Wallaby’s physiotherapist Andrew Ryan – and raising three children under the age of 11, Ryan has little chance to sit still. And her job comes with sacrifices: in Vegas she misses two of her children’s birthdays, and Mother’s Day is spent on tour in Scotland.
“Missing two birthdays was a little bit devastating,” she says. “I guess the biggest thing being a mother is that there’s just no way I’d have this opportunity normally with three kids at home if I didn’t have a great team at home as well – my husband, mother, aunts, uncles – everyone pitching in to enable me to be able do this.”
The windows are shuttered and a lopsided ‘Closed’ sign hangs in the front door. Almost hesitantly, our guide presses a buzzer. Moments later a burly bloke in a stained black apron appears in the doorway. Glancing furtively up and down the street, he ushers us in. Anyone watching might suspect a shady drug deal was about to go down.
Inside, the restaurant is already filling up. The aroma of seared meat wafts over from a grill against the far wall with its bed of glowing charcoal.
We’re directed towards a table where bottles of malbec are slammed down in front of us. Service is curt and efficient; social niceties are clearly unnecessary. When the food arrives it’s clear why. Succulent pink cuts of steak are served alongside provoleta, cheese topped with chilli and oregano and heated under the grill until crispy. Our other side dish is berenjena al escabeche, eggplant marinated in garlic, red pepper, vinegar and olive oil. It has a rich, tangy flavour and some serious attitude; proof that not all eggplant dishes are for people who knit their own sandals.
Food in Argentina doesn’t get any more traditional. We’re inside a parrilla, the name given to a no-frills Argentine steakhouse that’s as synonymous with local culture as tango or the Beautiful Game.
It’s estimated that more than 50 per cent of restaurants in this country are parrillas (named after the grill) and Argentines are currently the world’s second largest consumers of beef, wolfing down an average of 58 kilograms each a year.
The meat itself is seasoned only with salt and pepper – “otherwise you’re weird,” says our waitress – and cooked at a low temperature over hot coals to prevent it from becoming tough. Despite the use of charcoal, most parrillas tend to avoid smoky flavours. Essentially, it’s the opposite of Texas barbecue.
While parrilla restaurants are ubiquitous throughout Buenos Aires, it’s important you choose carefully. This particular place is so acclaimed the owners change the name every three weeks to keep it strictly for in-the-know locals. Ordinarily I would never have found it, but I’m here as part of a small group tour with David Carlisle, an American expat and former wine merchant who decided to set up Parilla Tour Buenos Aires after being repeatedly badgered for food recommendations. His business partner, local boy Santiago Palermo, is probably the only reason we’re allowed on such hallowed turf.
Having gorged ourselves on tender cuts of steak and malbec, we push on to La Cañita another traditional parrilla in the Las Cañitas section of the Palermo neighbourhood.
“We pick these places based on authenticity and quality of food,” says Carlisle, who also admits some of the restaurant owners laugh at the idea of his tour since locals will regularly spend three or four hours in one parrilla rather than experiencing several in such a short time frame.
Too stuffed for another juicy beef onslaught, we sample a handful of other bite-sized local classics, including choripán, a simple chorizo sandwich. It’s served with chimichurri sauce, an intoxicating blend of chopped oregano, parsley, diced capsicum and garlic soaked in olive oil and vinegar. It’s a favourite pairing with steak – the meat is so sparsely seasoned, particular attention is given to concocting sauces with genuine punch.
Down the street, we pause outside La Fidanzata, famed for its legendary empanadas. Deliveries are popular with porteños (residents of Argentina) and the shop is a firm favourite with local businesses. What sets La Fidanzata’s bad boys apart from all the others is the filling. The cooks here use real hunks of steak rather than ground beef and the difference is palpable. It’s a bit like comparing Shane Warne and Xavier Doherty. With Carlisle holding out a tray piled high with a batch straight from the oven, we rip into them like a pack of wild dogs.
Trying hard to banish Monty Python’s “wafer-thin mint” sketch from my mind, we round off the tour at La Cremerie, one of the city’s most revered heladerias (ice-cream parlours). Thanks to a history of Italian immigrants – many came here in the 1870s – porteños have developed a fetish for ice-cream and this shop contains enough outlandish flavours to facilitate some kind of nightmarish Sex and the City marathon.
Like a swollen, contented pig, I hoe into a double scoop of cookies ’n’ cream and tiramisu flavour. As with all the food today, it’s nothing short of sublime.
And while it’s true there’s no shortage of parrillas to choose from in Buenos Aires, the insider knowledge definitely makes all the difference.
When grilling meat in Argentina, the only seasoning used at the time of cooking is coarse salt called sal parrillera. If you do want a little bit of extra flavour with your meat, one of the most traditional condiments you’ll find at parrillas throughout the country is salsa criolla, a fresh and flavourful sauce made of raw vegetables, oil and vinegar. Below is a great recipe for making your own salsa criolla at home.
INGREDIENTS
1 onion, finely chopped
2 red capsicums, finely chopped
1 tomato, seeded and finely chopped
1 clove garlic, finely minced
1 tbs parsley, finely chopped
½ cup olive oil
¼ cup white wine vinegar
METHOD
Combine all the ingredients and season to taste with salt and freshly ground black pepper. You can serve the sauce immediately, although resting it for an hour or two will allow the flavours to develop.
Three… Two… One… Happy New Year!” Immersed in a hot tub, I chink beer cans with 16 strangers. Our quest to reach the Antarctic Circle for midnight celebrations has been abandoned. Instead we’ve been soaking on the top deck, surrounded by the pack ice that has foiled our plans.
We have no concept of time as the setting sun clips the horizon before immediately rising again. The ocean is choked with puzzle pieces of ice sheets jostling with iceberg rubble. The silhouettes of colossal icebergs resemble a faraway city skyline. As the ship splinters the solid ice in its path, each hit sounds like an empty oil drum being dropped onto concrete.
Three days ago we left Ushuaia, starting a 13-day voyage. The beginning of our epic adventure involved two days crossing the notoriously rough Drake Passage. Our ship is the Rolls-Royce of these seas, boasting a fancy stabilisation system that thankfully reduces the roll by 40 per cent. The remaining 60 per cent, however, confines half of the guests to their cabins for the crossing. Crew members diligently check on the absent, while vomit bags and dry crackers magically appear throughout the ship. The pharmacy of every conceivable seasickness remedy I’ve stowed in my luggage proves my saviour.
During the days at sea everyone is briefed on the wildlife, expedition plans, conservation practices and landing procedures. Suiting up for each excursion is quite the procedure to master. Layering up as you would for the ski slopes, you then add an outer skin of wet-weather gear, boots and a life vest before waddling to the gangway like a weighted-down astronaut.
Our first step onto land is at Port Charcot, a horseshoe-shaped bay on Booth Island, rimmed with towering mountains laden with glaciers. Convoys of curious penguins in their matching tuxedo onesies waddle down to greet us. Not aware of the five-metre human–penguin boundary rule, they happily move about us. Here, three species mingle. The cartoon-like features of the Adélie penguin belong in a picture book. The chinstrap penguin seems to be wearing a little tied-on helmet. A white splash above the eye identifies the gentoo. They catapult out of the water gracefully, yet turn into hopeless goofs on land, performing a slapstick comedy routine of face plants every few steps before pushing up again off their pot bellies. Nesting mothers shelter fluff-ball chicks, while their partners steal pebbles from one another in a never-ending game of switch.
As I walk to the peak, I discover I’m as useless as the penguins. The deceptive crust holds my weight momentarily before collapsing, swallowing my boots with each step, sometimes to the ankle, other times exhaustingly to my thigh. It is a long, steady trudge, but the view from the top of the ant trail of people below is a good measure of the true scope of this landscape.
The penguins catapult out of the water gracefully, yet turn into hopeless goofs on land, performing a slapstick comedy routine of face plants every few steps.
On Corner Island, I opt to sleep out overnight. As we set up camp, the blue skies succumb to ominous grey clouds and the temperature plummets. With a shovel I customise my shallow grave to protect against the frigid winds. The once flawless hillside now resembles an emergency scene lined with dozens of body bags. Hurriedly, I shed my outer layers and scramble into my sleeping bag. Only a foam mat separates me from the ice. Through chattering teeth I laugh to myself as I realise this authentic adventure will come with little sleep. Burrowing into my cocoon to contrive darkness, I wait out morning. As we unfurl our frozen bodies to pack up, one token penguin completes a good morning lap around camp.
After thawing in a hot shower, the morning thankfully consists of nothing more strenuous than a cruise around Iceberg Alley near Pleneau Island. It is a bottleneck of enormous sculptures, some standing higher than the ship. The elements have shaped them into uncanny likenesses of dramatic cathedrals, tiered wedding cakes and frozen arched waves. The ice surfaces range from crumpled paper to golf-ball dimples, crystal splinters to a glossy finish.
Day seven marks our first landing on the actual continent. Orne Harbour is the ideal location for what we call ‘body-bogganing’. Once we hike up the lung-bursting slope, it takes just seconds to careen back down. Trial runs meet with some cringing successes as heads are whacked, bodies toppled and skin left behind. The technique deemed fast yet safest is headfirst on your back. The first few toppling seconds are terrifying before adrenaline from the speed takes over. After jarring across the finish line unscathed, I trudge back up with a huge smile on my face. The view from the top seems oddly scaled – the ship appears minuscule beside the towering glacier walls. In this epic 360-degree postcard setting, I am merely a speck.
Concurrent to the onshore excursions, One Ocean runs a series of kayak tours. At water level on Paradise Bay, the floating ice crackles like rice bubbles and the submerged masses of the icebergs are clearly visible below the surface. Exposed to a rumbling glacier, we maintain a safe distance since even a minor calving would create an iceberg tsunami we’d never out-paddle. Stealing a piece of floating ice for a refreshing nibble, I try to fully absorb this pinch-me experience.
Zigzagging up the mountain on Cuverville Island, I hitchhike in the footholds our guide is diligently stomping. Pulling my legs out of each sunken step is like trying to conquer a StairMaster cranked to max incline. At the top the softened snow offers perfect playing conditions for rugby tackling, a push-up competition and human pyramid. Heading down we make a navigation error and face a treacherously steep route. With walking impossible, controlled slides – just a few metres at a time – are employed. Giggling despite our vulnerable state, we finally make it down, trousers and boots jammed with snow.
Blessed with glorious sunshine, Neko Harbour is ideal for sunbaking beside a very active glacier. Except for an occasional reshuffle that makes them look like fat slugs busting out the worm dance, lounging seals could be easily mistaken for rocks. The mountains are smothered in what was once a glossy meringue, now collapsed and crackled into glaciers. Fracture lines threaten to give way and the sheer edges are poised to crumble. Deep crevasses reveal the fairy-floss blue of ancient compressed ice. The slightest shift sends a noise not unlike distant fireworks reverberating around the bay. We hear an avalanche before we spot it and run to higher ground as a precaution. Only a small section collapses yet the massive plume takes minutes to settle.
I decide to take the polar plunge. with the de brillator unnervingly close by, I strip down and dash into the zero-degree water.
As we head back to the ship, the fin of a minke whale slices up through the sea’s surface. Patiently we scan the bay hoping for another glimpse. Our hearts miss a beat when the blowhole spurts directly beside our Zodiac. The whale eyeballs us before ducking beneath the inflatable and we crouch in fear of tipping.
Our last shore day begins at Deception Island. Sailing directly into the caldera of an active volcano, we make our way to Whalers Bay, its striking black beach strewn with remnants of an early 1900s whaling station. Embedded timber boats rest in front of ash-smudged hills. Despite this being the worst day of weather we’ve encountered this trip, I decide to take the polar plunge. With the defibrillator unnervingly close by, I strip down and dash into the zero-degree water. It takes a few moments to register the pain and hardly longer to race out screaming expletives and causing the puzzled penguins to scatter.
Our final hike at Yankee Harbour delivers my hardest challenge yet and, crawling along on my hands and knees, I wonder if I’ll actually make it. A deceptive icing sugar layer hides slick blue ice. It’s impossible to get a stable foothold, and unsuccessful climbers bowl others over in their wake. Nervously I kick at the ice to leverage each step. Once at the top, the inevitable slide down looks intense. After teetering like a rollercoaster carriage at its highest peak, I push off, my stomach lurching during the vertical fall. It is an awesome pay-off for the marathon hike up.
The days of non-stop activity leave me completely exhausted and the thought of the return sea crossing is almost a relief, despite the fact I’ll miss the continuous documentary that’s been played through my porthole. I book a massage and, as the sea builds, the masseuse tries to time deep strokes with each roll of the room. I concentrate on her heavenly hands rather than my unsettled stomach.
Soon the ship is again battling through waves that rise above the fourth deck. Apparently, although they look rather extreme, these conditions are classed merely as moderate. The Drake, I believe, is an essential rite of passage. Cross it and you’ll discover a glorious continent, more desolate than I envisioned, despite the gazillion penguins in residence. Out here there’s no phone reception or internet connection; you’re totally removed from the rest of the world. It is blissful isolation.
A decade ago, Downtown LA was a ghost town. The clock would hit five and its army of office workers would march back to the ’burbs. Oh, how things have changed. The seeds of renewal were sown in the 80s when a law passed allowing people to live in warehouses. Creative types began slinking back to the city centre, fostering communities fiercely protective of the area’s artistic and industrial history. Since the turn of the millennium Downtown’s population has doubled, transforming it from a place you’d never dare wander at night into a cultural hub of more than a dozen unique districts, where revellers stream between the newest bistros and bars.Books galore at The Last Bookstore.
4.30pm
Before frying your senses during a night soaked in booze, whip your brain into shape with the contents of the Last Bookstore, the world’s largest independent bookshop. Scour shelves of poetry and graphic novels or sink into an armchair and chew through a chapter on modern art. If you’re shooed away – it’s technically a shop, not a library – hide out on the second level among stalls selling art and curiosities and soak up the aroma of ageing paper wafting from 100,000 pre-loved books stored in the ‘Labyrinth Above the Last Bookstore’. Last Bookstore 453 S Spring Street lastbookstorela.com
5pm
Wander the Broadway Theater District, a strip peppered with charming but shabby Art Deco architecture and capped with Grand Central Market, an entire bacon-scented block dedicated to multiculti cuisine. The first theatres opened on South Broadway in 1910 and the district flourished as studios cranked out flicks to feed America’s love for the screen. As the twentieth century trudged on, Downtown sunk into decline, the cinemas’ curtains closed and there they sat, decaying, until the recent stream of life saw many converted into churches, swap meets and shops. When you hit the market stop for a US$3 snack from Tacos Tumbras a Thomas, or find Wexler’s Deli for the tastiest smoked salmon and pastrami in LA. Grand Central Market 317 S Broadway grandcentralmarket.com
6pm
Put Downtown in perspective with a trip to the top floor of Perch. This multi-storey affair features a French restaurant, balcony and bar on one level and a patio crowning the upper deck. Elaborate floor tiles and fairy lights twinkling on trees give the rooftop a provincial European vibe, but look past the glass barriers and the scene could not be more inner-city urban. Settle on a couch with a glass of Californian pinot noir and watch planes soar over the high-rise offices swelling around the deck. Perch 448 S Hill Street perchla.com
7pm
You’ve been up, now go down, beneath the concrete and into a 1920s boudoir where fairies dole out absinthe and black-and-white films dance on the wall. To access the Edison you first need to locate an unmarked door on a side street and clear inspection – that means no flip-flops, hoodies or torn jeans – before making the grand descent down metal stairs. A century ago the space housed a power plant, and ancient machinery still sits in place between leather armchairs, lush drapes and Art Deco fixtures. The Edison 108 W 2nd Street #101 edisondowntown.com
8pm
The streets of Downtown are a playground for bumbling TV cops and murder mysteries, so get with the theme and try your skills as detective. Two local establishments – Philippe The Original and Cole’s – opened in 1908 and each swears they gifted the city the famous French dip sandwich, consisting of tender strips of roast beef layered in a baguette and served with a dish of the juices. Both claims bear equal clout, but scour the garlic-scented dining room at Cole’s and uncover a secret worthy of attention. No, you won’t solve the who-made-it-first mystery but an unmarked door hides something even better: the Varnish. This speakeasy holds 60 at best, so put your name on the guest list, head back to the bar and slam down a pickleback (whiskey and pickle brine) while you wait. Cole’s might be bustling, but the Varnish is all sultry jazz, dark wood and apothecary bottles of elixirs. Settle into a booth and a waitress channelling Frida Kahlo will whisk cocktails and ginger beer topped with piquant cubes of crystallised ginger to your candlelit table. The Varnish Backroom of Cole’s E 6th Street
9pm
Ask a local where to eat and Bestia will spill from their lips before you’ve had time to exhale. Grab an Uber and cruise to an almost abandoned lane on the cusp of the Arts District. From the outside Bestia’s warehouse doesn’t look much chop but the interior has all the right trimmings – red brick walls, concrete floors, exposed piping and feature light globes. Hard furnishings make the joint roaring loud, but the Italian nosh is so good it’s worth a mild case of tinnitus. Order the roasted bone marrow and take pleasure in the somewhat macabre experience of scooping the rich mess from a femur cleaved in two onto a bed of handmade gnocchetti while ‘You Can Do It’ jostles the sound system. Bestia 2121 7th Place bestiala.com
10.30pm
Move over flashy cocktails, craft beer is on the rise, and where better to sample a flight of the stuff than at an Arts District brewery? Giving new purpose to a warehouse that once made wire for suspension bridges, Angel City Brewery produces a range of beers and even grows its own hops on the roof. Sure, the way they play with flavours is a purist’s nightmare, but for the rest of us a brandy-finished beer or sake-based ale tastes a treat. At one end of the establishment vats brew about 8000 barrels a year and the remainder welcomes guests to chill out as they please. Don’t be surprised to see people hanging with dogs, artists sketching, chess contests and punters lobbing beanbags at a platform in a battle of cornhole. Angel City Brewery 216 S Alameda Street angelcitybrewery.com
12am
Within stumbling distance of the brewery stands a modern take on the 1980s arcade, where reliving your youth costs only a quarter. A line marks the entrance to EightyTwo, a rotating trove of old favourites including Donkey Kong and Space Invaders. Make your gaming sesh a touch more adult with on-theme cocktails sporting names like n00b and Kill Screen, or pep up with a Wizard Mode, a mix of rye whisky, cold brew coffee and vanilla-infused black tea. When you need a break from tinny electronic tunes, head to the garden for a breather but don’t rest too long ’cause 25 cents will never again buy this much fun. EightyTwo 707 E 4th Place eightytwo.la Sausages galore at Wurstküche.
1am
Switch back to beer, but the imported kind this time. Styled as a Bavarian beer hall, Wurstküche pours 23 European beers from the tap and serves an impressive selection of snags. A cabinet at the entrance displays raw sausages waiting to be cooked to order and piled high with your choice of fried onion, sauerkraut, sweet capsicum or hot peppers. If you’ve recovered from dinner order the favourite: the Rattlesnake & Rabbit with jalapeño peppers. Totter down the corridor to the hall and plonk your rump behind a long wooden table adorned with pillars of ketchup and mustard. Wurstküche Corner 800 E 3rd Street and Traction Avenue wurstkuche.com
1.30am
LA starts powering down at 1.30am and bolting its doors soon after, but don’t throw in the towel just yet – you’re needed in Little Tokyo. On the second floor of a nondescript shopping centre, Max Karaoke keeps on going, every night of the year. Bring your own grog, stock up on salty snacks at the front counter and spend the next couple of hours serenading the city with your newfound love for DTLA. Max Karaoke 333 S Alameda St, #216 maxkaraokestudio.com
Thomas Ulherr will never forget his first airline meal. It was horrible. "I was just a boy, accompanying my parents to Greece for a holiday. Dinner arrived in a plastic divider tray and it was typical of airline food at the time: meat with sauce with some starch on the side and a jelly for dessert.”
Ulherr was already familiar with the pleasures of cooking fresh food sourced from his grandparents’ garden and didn’t immediately recognise the gloopy substance staring back at him. “It looked bad. It smelled bad. And it took me a long time to eat.”
How times have changed. Airline food no longer resembles prison rations and Ulherr has progressed through the world’s great kitchens and is now the corporate executive chef for Etihad Airways. Since joining the award-winning airline he has focused on taking its food to the next level. Improvements across the industry have been driven by three things: advances in in-flight galleys, competition among airlines and a global food renaissance.
We live in a world that worships food. Celebrity chefs are the new rock stars, cookbooks hog best-seller lists and reality cooking shows spawn like salmon and attract huge global audiences. Serving up lumpy meat and microwaved veggies is no longer an option. The top airlines hire world-class chefs who source only the best produce and wines from around the world and have expert staff prepare and cook much of the menu in the air. “At Etihad we don’t compare ourselves to other airlines,” says Ulherr of the United Arab Emirates’ national carrier. “We look at restaurants and hotels for inspiration.”
That means changing the entire menu every season. It means working with 700 chefs to produce consistent meals in a string of industrial kitchens. It means stocking in-flight pantries with premium produce – caviar, Moët, rib-eye, grain-fed chicken – so that first class guests can order whatever they want, whenever they want. It means vegetarian meals and hot and cold dessert options are now standard for economy guests. It means Ulherr may work on signature marmalade for three years before it’s ready to fly.
It also involves understanding the science of food. Part of the reason plane food used to taste so bland is that altitude blunts our taste receptors. It also changes the acidity and alters the flavour of different foods in different ways. This needs to be precisely calculated and compensated for in each and every dish. A pinch of spice can make a world of difference in the sky. “A recipe that works well in a restaurant may not work at all in the air, so we are always testing and asking, Will it fly?” explains Ulherr, standing and displaying his generous belly to demonstrate a personal commitment to research and development.
Asked to share a favourite recipe, he picks an exotic beauty: creamy tom yum spaghetti with farmed Abu Dhabi caviar. Like many good recipes it has a story behind it. Ulherr originally dreamt it up to impress a wealthy sheikh who routinely ordered caviar on his Etihad flights. It was a daring departure but the sheikh heartily approved.
On first glance it’s an unusual composite of international cuisine: tom yum is Laos’ famous spicy soup; spaghetti, of course, is all Italy; and caviar originates in the Black Sea. But in a way the dish represents the ultra-cosmopolitan and lavishly wealthy UAE. After all, this is a country where foreigners account for some 90 per cent of the population and whose capital, Abu Dhabi, is being shaped and styled by international architects and designers. It’s also a city where wealth and status are highly valued, so it’s no surprise to learn that caviar is a popular dish.
Caviar, you may recall, is the preferred snack of that dashing, international man of mystery, James Bond. During On Her Majesty’s Secret Service the British spy deftly dispatches a hefty henchman before snacking on some sturgeon eggs and coolly declaring: “Mmm… Royal Beluga, north of the Caspian.”
Scriptwriters for the next Bond adventure may want to update their cultural references. Abu Dhabi’s farmed Yasa Caviar is steadily gaining a reputation as one of the most coveted in the world. If you can get your hands on some it works wonderfully in a creamy tom yum sauce over spaghetti. Thanks, Thomas Ulherr.
Creamy tom yum spaghetti with farmed Abu Dhabi caviar
INGREDIENTS
30ml sesame oil
75g lemongrass, white part only, finely diced
150g shallots, cut into rings
1–2 cloves garlic, cubed
10g galangal, finely diced
15g ginger, cubed
75g shiitake mushrooms, cubed
50ml chicken stock
30g Thai chilli paste (or tom yum cube)
650ml cream
Arabic lemon salt, if available (use sparingly)
5 lime leaves
1 large lemon, rind finely grated, reserve juice
1 large lime, rind finely grated, reserve juice
pasta of your choice
30g caviar (or lobster cubes or prawns)
Red chilli oil
15g red chilli, seeded
75g red capsicum, quartered and roasted
50ml olive oil
10ml sesame oil
Green chilli oil
60g fresh coriander, washed, dried and chopped with stems
15g coriander seeds, roasted in olive oil
75ml olive oil
10ml sesame oil
METHOD
Start the sauce the day before you’re planning to serve it. Heat half the sesame oil in a pan and add, in this order, lemongrass, shallots, garlic, galangal, ginger and shiitake mushrooms. Add chicken stock and simmer for 10 to 15 minutes. Process mixture while it is still hot to form a smooth paste. Pass mixture through a sieve. Add the chilli paste then the cream. Season with lemon salt. Simmer for at least five minutes before adding the lime leaves. Let the sauce rest for at least 12 hours.
To make the oils, blend the ingredients for each, rest for four hours then strain through a cloth.
When it comes time to serve, remove the lime leaves from the sauce and simmer until it has slightly thickened.
For the pasta, combine the lime and lemon juice with the remaining sesame oil to make a marinade. Boil the pasta in salted boiling water until al dente. Drain and mix with the marinade. Plate the pasta, add the lemon and lime rind to the thickened sauce and pour over the pasta. Add the caviar, lobster cubes or prawns on top.
Garnish with the red chilli and green coriander oils. Serve.
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