Nothing dwarfs your perception of humankind quite like a brush with whales, and we’re not talking about seeing a dorsal fin break the surface of the water from a boat. An underwater encounter with humpbacks – they grow as large as petrol tankers and will be just metres away from you warbling their hypnotic song – will have you so mesmerised you’ll almost forget to breathe. With its clear, warm water and Polynesian charms, Tonga is one of the best places in the world to swim with them, and August – during the dry season and at the height of their migration – is the best time to visit.
The waters off the spectacular Vava’u Islands are a nursery for the underwater mammals and a place where you can spend more daylight hours in the water than out, slipping into the blue depths to eyeball gargantuan humpbacks and frolic with their playful calves.
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Live like a Thai king in this clifftop castle overlooking the Andaman Sea. Clinging to a headland on Phuket’s exclusive Millionaire’s Mile, this six-bedroom showstopper represents tropical opulence at its finest.
Flop into the 15-metre infinity pool overhanging the rocky shoreline and enjoy the illusion of swimming in your own private ocean. Meander down the steps to a secluded cove and explore the crystal waters and tropical forest, then finish the day with a sunset soak in the outdoor terrazzo bathtub while your private chef prepares dinner. It’s expensive so share the love, and the cost, with 11 of your nearest and dearest.
Set up shop in the wilds of the southern Thai jungle as you visit Elephant Hills. Start at the main camp, staying in one of 30 luxury tents boasting bathrooms, electricity (renewable, of course) and ceiling fans. Here, guests feed elephants, watch them bathe and learn about conservation and why rides are a no-go.
Once you’re ready to say goodbye to wi-fi, board a long-tail boat and sail deep into the tropical forest. Disembark at the Rainforest Camp where 10 tents bob over Cheow Larn Lake. From your terrace, slide into the water for a swim or lounge back and scour the canopy for snakes and gibbons.
During the day, learn to cook traditional Thai cuisine, meet elephants, go canoeing and spot wildlife on a jungle trek.
If one set of hands sliding over your oiled torso just doesn’t cut it, and an hour-long massage leaves you whimpering for more, check in for a session at Phuket’s Trisara Resort. You’re in for three masseuses, six hands and 90 minutes of bliss.
And if trekking to their open-air cabana is too much trouble, enjoy the Royal Trisara massage in a treatment room tucked inside your villa. Slathering you in lemongrass essential oil with a pinch of organic sea salt, the therapists start with your feet and shoulders, before pummelling every last knot of tension from your body.
Between hot herbal compresses and acupressure delivered by six Thai elbows, the hands sail across your skin in sync for the ultimate relaxation experience. To finish, they drizzle you with warm coconut oil before leaving you to float off to your private infinity pool with sweeping views of the Andaman Sea.
If your average tatt isn’t tough enough, wear your ego on your sleeve with a Sak Yant (traditional tattoo) from Thailand’s Wat Bang Phra temple. Bestowed by monks wielding 18-inch needles, these lucky charms are said to be strong enough to stop bullets, and come with some serious body art cred. Enter the temple and deposit your offering of flowers and cigarettes onto the pile and take a quick look at the banner on the temple wall, displaying a selection of animal designs, complete with embellished whorls for added pain. Choose your favourite beast or let an assigned monk brand you as he sees fit.
Before you’re poked and prodded, custom requires you to step into the role of assistant – a practice dividing the proud from the petrified. Clamp still the poor sap before you, so they can’t squirm as the double-pronged instrument plunders their skin. Each tattoo requires at least 3,000 jabs before the template gives way to a final bloody welt, giving you plenty of time to reassess your vanity. Once your buddy’s stamp is blessed, present your flesh and set your face to stoic. As the monk swills his used needle in a pot of alcohol, you better hope your new stamp protects you against more than just evil spirits.
A visit to Bangkok without seeing ladyboys is like a game of Uno without wildcards, but it doesn’t have to involve supporting the country’s sex industry. Calypso’s good, cleanish fun cabaret can be found in the south of the city. Bangkok’s evening traffic is at its gridlocked peak between 5pm and 7pm and takes a while to subside, so avoid the roads and travel by skytrain and then free water shuttle down the Chao Phraya River. Within a sea of tourists you’ll be shown to your comfy red seat in the pseudo-swanky theatre and given a free drink.
The show is cheesy, charming and fun, with everyone from a comic Carman Miranda to an absurdly luscious Marilyn Monroe. The stage is swimming with fishnets for ‘All That Jazz,’ while ‘Blossom’s Blues’ is performed solo with nipples- popping-from-bustier gusto. Book ahead to save any unnecessary hanging around in the touristy wastelands of Riverside.
As thanks for bringing good fortune, the town of Lopburi lavishes its local primates with a veritable food orgy. Check out the long-tailed macaques as they slurp cans of Coke, chow pyramids of fruit and fornicate on table tops.
While they delight from afar, you’ll want to keep your distance from these walking, scoffing critters. The macaques aren’t necessarily that adept at knowing what’s food and what isn’t, and we’re sure you don’t want to find yourself on the menu.
The north of Tanzania is famous. This is the land of the Serengeti, the Maasai Mara word for ‘endless plains,’ and home to one of the densest concentrations of wildlife in Africa. Next door is the lesser-visited and equally spectacular Tarangire National Park, where you’ll find this safari camp.
Just six tents, set in a grove of acacia trees, offer guests a touch of luxury – think huge beds, ensuite bathrooms and uninterrupted views of the wilderness. The day starts with a dawn chorus of birds and, before it ends at dinnertime in the open-sided thatched dining hut, you’ll marvel at the huge herds of elephants and buffalo and spy countless giraffe and zebra grazing nearby. Prides of lions are also common, but the park’s leopards are a little more covert.
During the day in the cool morning air, walk along the riverbed to discover elephant footprints and search for evidence of nocturnal wanderings by other wildlife. Later, get an animal fix in an open-car safari – either over the plains or towards the Silale Swamp. There’s even the option to take after-dark game drives.
Hop on a wooden dhow (traditional sailboat) and cruise to a secluded camp that’s worlds away from dusty safaris, shops or even a road. You’ll find Greystoke Mahale nestled between verdant mountains and the clear waters of Lake Tanganyika, the second-largest lake in the world. Built from old boats gathered from the shore, with thatched roofs woven from palms, the six bandas (traditional huts) open into the forest.
Spot chimpanzees creeping down the mountain, and trek high into the hills after a storm washes away the summer haze. Kayak, snorkel and fish in the lake, or laze in the dhow at sunset and enjoy sashimi and a sundowner as hippos lope by.
Nowhere is the fabled circle of life more extraordinary than when wildebeest give birth en masse in the southern reaches of Tanzania’s Serengeti National Park. Every year between January and March, more than 400,000 of these big-game animals calve during a period of just a few weeks in a curtain-raiser to the annual great wildebeest migration, when around 1.5 million travel to the Maasai Mara in their perpetual search for food and water. The sight of thousands of wildebeest giving birth in the grassy plains is a breathtaking spectacle, but it can also be quite brutal.
There is some safety in numbers – the more young delivered at once, the greater their overall chance of survival – but predators are always lurking. Some newborns are delivered straight from the womb into the jaws of a waiting pack of hungry lions or hyenas, and those that aren’t have to find their feet quickly. Most are running with the herd within minutes and are able to outpace hyenas in just a few days. For the squeamish, this time of year signals the tail end of the birthing season when many of the predators are satiated and you can marvel at the creation of life, rather than wince as a wildlife slasher film plays out before your eyes.
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