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You know a cave hotel is the real deal when you wake to find ceiling rock crumbling over the bed. Hezen’s elegant rooms have been fashioned out of the ancient caves that pockmark Cappadocia, and you can still very much feel the rocky atmosphere.
Each alcove and shelf has been hand carved with pockets of light accentuating the rock detail. Multiple terraces provide the perfect vantage point for enjoying the dramatic scenery, with views out across Ortahisar Castle. Located out of the tourist hub, this petite hotel has a homely atmosphere and is a Cappadocian experience in itself.
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Test your endurance with Scorpion Pepper
As any gastronome worth their salt (and pepper) knows, the best bit about any fine dining experience is when you voluntarily eat something that sets your own arse on fire. The world’s most angry edible ingredient, according to New Mexico State University’s Chile Pepper Institute, is Trinidad and Tobago’s moruga scorpion pepper, used in napalm-esque condiments such as Dek’s pepper sauce. In 2012, the Trinidad moruga scorpion chilli was named the world’s hottest, with an average rating of more than 1.2 million units on the Scoville heat scale (by comparison, Tabasco original red sauce has a Scoville rating of 2,500–5,000 units).
Like any local delicacy, it’s best tasted in situ – in the restaurants in Port of Spain – but if you can’t get to Trinidad and Tobago, or you want to buy a gift basket of the sauce for someone you really don’t like, it’s available from igourmet.com. Don’t forget to put the toilet paper in the fridge before you go to bed.
The Beach House
Ever dreamed of downing your morning coffee with a whale frolicking in the foreground? That can be your reality when you wake up at this secluded gem. Tiny but beautiful Fofoa Island, part of the Vava’u group, plays host to The Beach House, an eco-friendly bungalow that sleeps up to five people in two bedrooms, each with its own private balcony.
In the evening, cook up the catch of the day and eat on the overwater deck as the sun goes down. The house is a 45-minute boat ride from the main town of Neiafu and overlooks the Blue Lagoon. While you’re there, jump in with or watch humpback whales (the season lasts from July to October), spot turtles, join a Tongan feast, go fishing and kayak to uninhabited sanctuaries.
Swim with Humpback Whales
Nothing dwarfs your perception of humankind quite like a brush with whales, and we’re not talking about seeing a dorsal fin break the surface of the water from a boat. An underwater encounter with humpbacks – they grow as large as petrol tankers and will be just metres away from you warbling their hypnotic song – will have you so mesmerised you’ll almost forget to breathe. With its clear, warm water and Polynesian charms, Tonga is one of the best places in the world to swim with them, and August – during the dry season and at the height of their migration – is the best time to visit.
The waters off the spectacular Vava’u Islands are a nursery for the underwater mammals and a place where you can spend more daylight hours in the water than out, slipping into the blue depths to eyeball gargantuan humpbacks and frolic with their playful calves.
Watch this. It will blow your mind:
Villa 4337
Live like a Thai king in this clifftop castle overlooking the Andaman Sea. Clinging to a headland on Phuket’s exclusive Millionaire’s Mile, this six-bedroom showstopper represents tropical opulence at its finest.
Flop into the 15-metre infinity pool overhanging the rocky shoreline and enjoy the illusion of swimming in your own private ocean. Meander down the steps to a secluded cove and explore the crystal waters and tropical forest, then finish the day with a sunset soak in the outdoor terrazzo bathtub while your private chef prepares dinner. It’s expensive so share the love, and the cost, with 11 of your nearest and dearest.
Elephant Hills
Set up shop in the wilds of the southern Thai jungle as you visit Elephant Hills. Start at the main camp, staying in one of 30 luxury tents boasting bathrooms, electricity (renewable, of course) and ceiling fans. Here, guests feed elephants, watch them bathe and learn about conservation and why rides are a no-go.
Once you’re ready to say goodbye to wi-fi, board a long-tail boat and sail deep into the tropical forest. Disembark at the Rainforest Camp where 10 tents bob over Cheow Larn Lake. From your terrace, slide into the water for a swim or lounge back and scour the canopy for snakes and gibbons.
During the day, learn to cook traditional Thai cuisine, meet elephants, go canoeing and spot wildlife on a jungle trek.
Royal Trisara Six-hand Massage
If one set of hands sliding over your oiled torso just doesn’t cut it, and an hour-long massage leaves you whimpering for more, check in for a session at Phuket’s Trisara Resort. You’re in for three masseuses, six hands and 90 minutes of bliss.
And if trekking to their open-air cabana is too much trouble, enjoy the Royal Trisara massage in a treatment room tucked inside your villa. Slathering you in lemongrass essential oil with a pinch of organic sea salt, the therapists start with your feet and shoulders, before pummelling every last knot of tension from your body.
Between hot herbal compresses and acupressure delivered by six Thai elbows, the hands sail across your skin in sync for the ultimate relaxation experience. To finish, they drizzle you with warm coconut oil before leaving you to float off to your private infinity pool with sweeping views of the Andaman Sea.
Get Blessed Tatts
If your average tatt isn’t tough enough, wear your ego on your sleeve with a Sak Yant (traditional tattoo) from Thailand’s Wat Bang Phra temple. Bestowed by monks wielding 18-inch needles, these lucky charms are said to be strong enough to stop bullets, and come with some serious body art cred. Enter the temple and deposit your offering of flowers and cigarettes onto the pile and take a quick look at the banner on the temple wall, displaying a selection of animal designs, complete with embellished whorls for added pain. Choose your favourite beast or let an assigned monk brand you as he sees fit.
Before you’re poked and prodded, custom requires you to step into the role of assistant – a practice dividing the proud from the petrified. Clamp still the poor sap before you, so they can’t squirm as the double-pronged instrument plunders their skin. Each tattoo requires at least 3,000 jabs before the template gives way to a final bloody welt, giving you plenty of time to reassess your vanity. Once your buddy’s stamp is blessed, present your flesh and set your face to stoic. As the monk swills his used needle in a pot of alcohol, you better hope your new stamp protects you against more than just evil spirits.
A night out with the ladyboys of Calypso Cabaret Bangkok
A visit to Bangkok without seeing ladyboys is like a game of Uno without wildcards, but it doesn’t have to involve supporting the country’s sex industry. Calypso’s good, cleanish fun cabaret can be found in the south of the city. Bangkok’s evening traffic is at its gridlocked peak between 5pm and 7pm and takes a while to subside, so avoid the roads and travel by skytrain and then free water shuttle down the Chao Phraya River. Within a sea of tourists you’ll be shown to your comfy red seat in the pseudo-swanky theatre and given a free drink.
The show is cheesy, charming and fun, with everyone from a comic Carman Miranda to an absurdly luscious Marilyn Monroe. The stage is swimming with fishnets for ‘All That Jazz,’ while ‘Blossom’s Blues’ is performed solo with nipples- popping-from-bustier gusto. Book ahead to save any unnecessary hanging around in the touristy wastelands of Riverside.
Monkey Buffet Festival
As thanks for bringing good fortune, the town of Lopburi lavishes its local primates with a veritable food orgy. Check out the long-tailed macaques as they slurp cans of Coke, chow pyramids of fruit and fornicate on table tops.
While they delight from afar, you’ll want to keep your distance from these walking, scoffing critters. The macaques aren’t necessarily that adept at knowing what’s food and what isn’t, and we’re sure you don’t want to find yourself on the menu.
